Some Suggestions For Avoiding Power
Struggles
John F. Taylor, Ph.D.
The best approach to
potential power struggles with a child or teen is to avoid entering into
them. Here are some approaches that will
aid in the process of sidestepping the invitation to engage in a power
struggle.
1. Isolate the
conversation
“I have
something special to discuss with you.
Can we meet in the dining room in five minutes?”
2. Remain
non-judgmental
If you have not actually caught the child at the
misbehavior, don’t accuse on circumstantial evidence. “I
don’t know for sure whether you’ve done this, but I have a concern.”
3. Acknowledge
influence without total control
“I can’t
control you and I don’t want to....I’m not handcuffed to you…
“I have too
much respect for you to try to make you do…..”
4. Start with
the child’s wants and needs
“What can we
do that you’ll want to…If you could determine how everything goes, what would
you like to see happen?”
5. State your
feelings, clearly, completely, and honestly
“If you do it
the way you say you want to, I would feel…Doing it entirely your way could
create a problem for me…”
6. Set your
limits and conditions for your cooperation
“Here’s what
I propose…I’ll make you a deal…I won’t clean dirty ashtrays or clothes that
smell of smoke.”
7. Get
permission to state your desire about the child’s actions
“May I tell
you what I wish you would do about this matter...Would you like to hear what I
think would be best for you to do?”
8. Indicate
your refusal to engage in a power struggle
“I
won’t power struggle with you about this…I’m not simply going to try to settle
this with a shouting match…I’m not going to argue with you about this…I want a
peaceable solution, not more conflict.”
9. State
exactly what you wish your child would do
“What I think
would be best for everyone is that you…How about if I do this and you do
that…What I wish you would choose to do is…”
10. Insist on a
win-win solution
“The only
solution I will accept is a win-win…power struggles and arguments are
lose-lose; I want a win-win for me and for you.”
11. Keep the
door open for further discussion
“I want you
to know that I’m always willing to renegotiate…Let’s talk about this again
tomorrow…Let’s explore this issue some more…”